Conflict Bouts

In your relationship, have you found yourself arguing about the some of the same issues?  How does this make you feel?  Do you wonder to yourself why or how you are discussing this topic again?

One of the reasons why some of these topics come back is the way each of the sexes handle conflict.  Men are more often to deal with conflict quickly and without much emotion.  Whereas, women are more cyclical when dealing with conflict.  If someone brings up an old conflict, try not taking an offense.  When they bring up old conflicts, do not look at it as they are trying to bring up old issues (or they are keeping a record or wrongs).   Rather, try to realize the other person has not experienced closure.  So, ask probing questions to help them understand what they need in order to find closure.

Second, and probably more concerning, is when a couple argues over the topics rather than the issues.  By this, I mean that couples will find themselves continually arguing (or more likely – nagging) over items that are around the heart of the matter, but not the actual issue.  This is the wife who might argue that her husband does not come home right after work.  The next time she might be frustrated that her husband seems to be hanging out more with his friends than her.  Please hear (or should I say read) me, I am not saying these could be issues.  What I am trying to say is that, the real heart to these matters might be “do you still find me attractive.”  However, rather than ask this question (where the heart of the matter is located), we will dance around this by bringing up the topics hoping our spouse gets what we are really trying to ask.  Let me just say…our spouse will NEVER GET IT.

Lastly, the other reason why conflicts come back up is that both people know there was no resolution when it was first brought up.  There are many different reasons why this happens.  However, it is best when these issues are resolved, so it is good these come back around.

When it comes to conflict, be sure to know that conflict is not bad.  Conflict does not mean that you are not heading for a divorce.  Rather, conflict is a good thing in your relationship.  It is through conflict that couples grow closer.

How do you handle conflict?  Have you found your self arguing over topics rather than issues?


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