“You choose.” These could be two of the most dangerous words in the human language. When these two words are uttered in a relationship setting, one of those voices at the end of a commercial should run down every option the person could have meant when they told us we could choose. I say this because I am sure we all have come across one of those moments when our spouse (or significant other) told us we could choose. However, we knew that our choice had to be one of the few options they already had in their head and if we didn’t get it right our mistake was going to be posted on one of those internet video blogs.
In any relationship cycle, we all come to this place where we become awake. In this stage of awareness, we begin to realize that issue is not out there (external), but rather in here (internal). When our spouse frustrates us, I have found that it is because of something I have been feeling and now her actions are just picking at the scab.
The other aspect of becoming aware of our internal battles is to stop giving power to them. I am sure you have heard of the old saying that you don’t give up wrestling a 300 lb gorilla until they are done wrestling. Like wise, I am sure you have heard that when you meet up with a grizzly bear in the woods your are suppose to play dead. This is the way it is with our own issues. If we wrestle against them, we give them power to fight against us. However, if we embrace these issues then we take the power away from them to fight back.
In any relationship, as we go through these cycles, we need to be aware that we are the creators of our obstacles. This is because if we didn’t desire the certain aspect that is on the other side of the obstacle, then we wouldn’t be facing the obstacle. When we come against these obstacles – whether personally or as a couple – we need to decide if we still want the thing we are pursuing.
In the end, becoming aware is a lifelong process and doesn’t happen overnight. Also; I have found the becoming aware at one moment does not mean the process is complete. Rather, these moments are just the surface. As the years come and go, there is always more that needs to be processed.
What do you think about the aspect of embracing those items we struggle with rather than fighting against them?
De Mello, A. (1990). Awareness: The perils and opportunities of reality. J. F. Stroud (Ed.). New York,